First off, let me just say that this fellow named Bret is a total fucking Whynatte renegade. I don’t use such non-christian language lightly, but this man is deserving of the finest things in life. I hope that Bret is walking to work today (he needs a job first, but whatever), and a naked supermodel falls from the sky into his arms. I hope that a man pulls up in a new Ferrari, hands him the keys, and tells him to enjoy his life. I hope Bret finds love today. I hope everything for this generous man. Below is the email that he sent in yesterday…

Whynatte,

In the midst of hunting for jobs, I took a break and traveled down to Chicago to hunt for some whynattes and visit my old roommates. All I brought with me were a bag of pretzels, a buddy, and a bottle of Jager.

As a friend of Thomas Wessels, I usually have just been one of the people attending a whynatte party because Tom has always handled the business side of things by buying lattes from Starbucks and sneaking them into bars or drunkenly figuring out how to make lattes with his own Huntington Beach espresso machine at a USC party. Now that I’m back in Wisconsin, I’m in charge of things and this is most likely the reason that every whynatte I’ve taken since I’ve left San Diego has been put together with plain old coffee and cream.

I figured my odds of finding a coffee shop in Chicago were pretty good since it’s a large city, but I was sorely mistaken. I left my friend’s apartment and stepped into the freezing cold Chicago weather hoping to find a latte within a few blocks. The trip eventually took me about 15 blocks into the heart of the city where I passed closed coffee shop after closed coffee shop until I decided to just get coffee from a 7 Eleven. They had 2 full pots sitting there when I arrived and when I left they had 2 empty pots and were missing about 30 creams. On the way back from the 7 Eleven I realized that I was horribly lost. I had to call my friends to ask for help on getting home. Luckily, I was just happening upon Wrigley Field so they knew how to get me home otherwise I would have been a goner. In total, I probably walked across the entire city before I was able to make it back to the apartment, but this made the whynattes taste so much sweeter. I think I had 4 whynattes in the span of about 4 minutes. In total, we did about 15 whynattes broken down into 4 different rounds. I was so energized after the whole thing that I went undefeated at darts, got about 3 girls numbers, and stayed out until 4 in the morning. Some would call it one hell of a night, I just call it a Friday.

The Supplies, 3-24 oz. Coffees, 1,000 Creams, 4 Randomly assorted drinking cups, 3 shot glasses.

Josh Flickinger, Vincent Colucci, Myself, Greg Dorka – My old roommates are on the left (Flick and Vince), Me and Dorka look like we could use a little waking up. I guess whoever took this picture didn’t give us a proper heads up about it. Vince is making that one-eye face on purpose, I guess that’s his signature move for pictures now.

Same characters drinking it down. I just want to point out my pinkie is extended again as if I’m drinking tea. I also want to point out that since I’ve been known to spill entire whynattes down my shirt I took off my nice button up shirt and it’s hanging on the door in the background.

Aerial view of me destroying these guys in the chugging part.

This is the look of complete disgust and sadness that one girl had when she was told there weren’t any more whynattes left.