“I can’t drink a Whynatte tonight, I’m too busy scrapbooking.”

“I don’t like Whynattes, but I definitely enjoy seeing children get maimed.”

“Whynattes aren’t my thing, and I don’t know how to swim.”

“I’ve already had four Zima tonight, I’m pretty buzzed.”

Do any of the above statements sound familiar? If so, you probably have someone in your group of friends that doesn’t drink Whynattes, but still tries to make excuses for their unacceptable behavior. Like when my friend Clark told me that he loved to bake streudel, and I find out that he doesn’t even own a streudel pan. A lot of times people don’t even know what they do and don’t like, which is where it becomes a friend’s responsibility to forcefully control the brain of the detractor. Either that, or eliminate them completely by sword.

In other news, Portland appears to be a hotbed of Whynatte activity:

Take a look at the following photos, and tell me if you don’t see anyone who’s trying to go unnoticed sans Whynatte (I barely caught it myself):

If she hadn’t been wearing that blue striped track jacket and fake beard, we probably wouldn’t have noticed that she wasn’t drinking a Whynatte:

Busted. Time to pay the piper and drink a Whynatte with your friend Carl. That look on her face is guiltier than the face on my doberman that time I caught him ordering live opossums over the internet.

Why do you hate calcium so much?